As we have turned over to a new decade, there has already been a major shift in how we are approaching our goals, our desires, and the ways in which we are reacting to each other. The beginning of this year not only evokes our resolutions, but it somewhat forces us to do some deep introspection. For me personally, I have been deeply reflecting on my spirituality and how I can continue to live in the moment. I am constantly learning that life is stretched out – though not for a long period of time – and why wait until I am over the age of 25 to accept my imperfections and flaws when I can do that NOW? I am not only noticing this in myself, but in my Durham housemates, my fellow corps members, my co-workers at the Pauli Murray Center for History and Social Justice, and my personal relationships.
If I had to describe my time here at JSC since arriving in August, I would say “confrontational”. I have been confronting some struggles that I have been dealing with for a long time, such as my anxiety disorder. It is normal for humans to have anxiety, but in my case, I feel emotions – both positive and negative – on a deeper and more intense level. I have been confronting my anxiety and learning to turn it into positive energy. Another thing that I have been confronting is the illusion of fear. I had a fear that I would not be able to fully satisfy those around me – especially in the workplace. I am still learning to confront this by taking criticism from my co-workers, in which that in itself can be challenging. However, it was refreshing to see that my co-workers cultivate the workspace in the form of a community. Despite our positions, we are a TEAM.
I am currently taking an Introduction to Digital Photography course at Duke University, in which I was enrolled by my supervisor, Barbara Lau. The fact that she sees the potential for me to grow in my art medium of photography, gives me hope that I am going in the right direction of becoming a professional photographer – which is my ultimate goal. I have only attended the first day of class, and I got the vibe of “This is where I need to be.” It was the first time in a few years that I felt this exhilarated. I feel that art is the reason I breathe and the reason I live. It is a form of healing for me, and my hope is that my work can be a source of healing for others too.
I can say that after a few months, the Durham house – my room in particular – has become my sanctuary. My room is where I can feel free to imagine, meditate, journal, dance, listen to music, cry, and even sit in silence. I am a woman of few words, so I take joy in listening to my housemates talk about their days at work, their love lives, families, and any other little random things. I also find peace from walking to and from work four days a week, as it provides a form of mental relief. I am able to open my heart to nature around me and be in the moment! I am reaching a point of inner peace with my flaws and imperfections, as they are a part of who I am. I am learning to heal and love every ounce of my being, even if the world does not return that love.
At a recent meeting in the Durham house, we decided to schedule house dates with each other in order to get to know each other better. I think that this is a great idea, because it is a one-on-one experience, which is what I tend to be more comfortable in. I also feel that we show the most love to each other by making dinner together. Granted I do not cook as much as I used to due to a recent transition to a raw diet, but all of my housemates have made wonderful meals. I am always in awe of the expertise of my housemates Dani and Austin. I also feel that we have great teamwork when it comes to our community meals, because it is one of the main ways we spend time together.
I think I hit all of the major points in this blog. As I like to say in my journal entries, “Until next time, the journey continues…”